So tomorrow night Andrea Portes is reading from her new book HICK at the W. Village Barnes & Noble (6th Ave and 8th Street) AT 7:30. I haven’t read it yet but look at this first line:

“You know why you keep losing, cause, guess what, you’re a fucking loser.”

Also: yesterday I went to Belmont Park for the horse races with my friend Rob. Despite my ingenious and fail-safe strategy of betting on the horses with the best names--Talking Flirt, Wild Gams, Prom Shoes, Samantha O (kinky!), etc.--I LOST 21 dollars and did not even win one time. We also witnessed a strangely dressed man holding a horn approach the people next to us and start discussing baseball. I only really paid attention when the following line floated from his mouth, into the world at large, and then landed in my once-innocent eardrums:

"As sure as I'm a Jew in a fox hunt costume with a 5-foot horn, the Red Sox won't be ten games up come the end of the summer."

We also witnessed a man with the following elegant proclamation on his sweatshirt: "I hit two good balls today. I stepped on a rake."

Later, as Rob and I drove through all of Queens and most of Brooklyn to get to Joi's, Rob assualted my already injured eardrums with the classic "Kites are Fun" which features the following lyrics accompanied by flute:

See my kite
It's fun
See my kite
It's green and white

I am now traumatized for life.