Aug 20, 2008

I am sitting in a Wendys in Lake Wales, Florida, with my father, partaking of free wireless while my sister and mother and uncle and 90-years-old-on-this-very-day grandmother go shopping, and thought I might take this opportunity to list some of the many many reasons why Florida is my least favorite state. I know it has its charms, like every other place, and in fact I think Sarasota for one is quite lovely, and I suspect I would like Miami alright, BUT THAT SAID....

Please consider the following:

1. It is perfectly acceptable here to wear colors like bright aqua mixed with bright pink and bright orange and to accessorize oneself with shells.

2. You can also go into most establishments and either purchase or observe things like hanging plant holders or jewelry boxes made entirely of said shells.

3. The air is like soup, AND NOT THE KIND YOU LIKE.

4. The objectionable word "sunshine" is deeply embedded in everyday parlance.

5. There are MASSIVE black beetles that are constanty scheming about how to kill you. Not to mention scorpions and snakes and drug dealers and serial killers. Oh and where my grandmother and uncle live you can run across mountain lions and wild boars with similarly murderous intentions, right in the street!

6. There are many many hurricanes with old lady names knocking everything about at all times.

7. Almost every wall is decorate with large plastic fish with pointy snouts and mohawk-like fins painted deeply unnatural colors. And it is not uncommon to see nets dangling from ceilings and scattered with plastic seahorses.

8. You will regularly pass signs that say things like WET N' WILD!, which are obviously very offensive on many levels.

9. People here feel it is acceptable to dye one's hair bright yellow, even tho a sensitive soul like myself could DIE when encoutered by such a hue. But no one cares about this, as life is very cheap here.

I would come up with a tenth reason but I need the rest of my emotional strength to endure the next two days.

I am however having a nice time with my family, and for lunch I had ahi tuna and oysters, and tomorrow we are dining in a chalet, and also my sister and I are staying with my grandmother's awesome friend Glenna who loves gambling and booze and in fact tonight shall serve us vino and teach us to play Texas hold em.